Fears at Bedtime: 9 things you can do

It is not uncommon for preschoolers to begin developing fears as their imaginations expand to new levels. This can result in a bedtime routine being drawn out hours longer than it should be, or it could cause them to wake in the middle of the night. According to Richard Ferber, M.D. nighttime fears can occur in both highly anxious children as well as children that are perfectly secure during the day. Some kids fear only one thing, and some fear everything. He states, children often regress at night, and that it is a normal pattern of development.

Here are my 9 fear-busting strategies:

1.     Acknowledge, validate, and name it: In the moment at bedtime or in the middle of the night when your child is expressing fear, don’t dismiss it and tell them “There is nothing to be afraid of”. This might be your initial reaction but by doing this, you are teaching them to avoid their emotions instead of feeling them. Try talking about the fear during the day but don’t push it if they don’t want to. If they do want to talk about it, ask them what they need. You would be surprised at how insightful kids at this age can be about their needs!

2.     Avoid scary movies or tv shows. Things that we might think are somewhat harmless can cause fear in a preschooler’s developing imagination. Some common fears might be the dark, robbers, kidnapping, or monsters. It is possible they are exposed to one of these concepts in some source of entertainment. It’s best to avoid screen time in bed too and keep the bed a place for sleep not melatonin-supressing blue light.

3.     Make their room a positive place to be during the day. I always say that a good night starts the moment we wake up. Everything we do from the foods we eat to the activity we have can influence our sleep. If you can take time, preferably individual time with that child, and play IN their room you can help foster a sense of safety in there. Have a dance party, read books, play dolls or cars and even practice turning the lights off if they are afraid of the dark.

4.     Avoid sending them to their room for punishment. This can taint the room with negativity. If you do choose to have a time-out area, do it elsewhere in the house.

5.     Have them draw their fear. If they are open to it, have your child draw their fear, then scrunch it up and throw it away!

6.     Place a family picture on the wall. Place it near the head of their bed and place lights around it. If they wake during the night, they can see their loved ones checking in on them!

7.     Use a nightlight or give them a flashlight. Sleep consultants always stress the importance of a dark room for sleep but when it comes to taming fears, a little light goes a long way. My son has a fear of the dark. We have experimented with several things such as leaving only the closet light on, only the reading lamp, a Wake-Up clock, giving him a flashlight and a dimmer switch on the main bedroom light. Red light is a great option if you are looking for a light source for your child (a light that emits actual red-light waves not just a red bulb). Although I recommend dimming the light gradually every night if your child is afraid of the dark do not shut off all the lights when they fall asleep. Chances are they will wake up during the night, be suddenly in the dark and this will deepen the fear of the dark. Keep in mind some children will prefer darkness to the shadows that are cast off the light you do provide. Making shadow puppets and reading shadow books could be of benefit.

8.     Leave the door open. If your child requests it, it is fine to leave their door open as the evening family noise might comfort them. They enjoy knowing and hearing that mom and dad are nearby.

9.     Never get angry, distract, or dismiss the fear. This can perpetuate the fear further when it is not validated. If your child fears monsters or ghosts, don’t use monster-spray or a ghost-catcher or this will confirm there are monsters and ghosts to fear. If they fear robbers or kidnappers let them be part of the lock-up routine in the house in the evening.

If your child is expressing fears at night, consider if there are any stressors going on during the day that could be contributing. Children process change and stress differently than adults and it is possible that certain challenges are presenting themselves as fears at night. When comforting a child during a fear, talk about it, tuck them in with their lovey or stuffy wait till they are calm and do 5-minute checks until they fall asleep.

Kyla Lucas is a Certified Infant and Toddler Sleep Consultant, a Registered Nurse and a mom of two amazing little boys. She resides in Tsawwassen, BC, Canada providing valuable safe sleep education and 1:1 coaching for families struggling with sleep.